Responsibly shitting myself

I'm a little bit scared about what will happen when I do eventually start work. I left University and haven't ever worked full-time properly. I've gone and got this ace job looking after people with learning disabilities, it's pretty much everything I could hope for (apart from being paid to write down my favorite song lyrics (and i'm pretty sure that doesn't exist as a job)), I'm not stuck in an office and get to work with people all day, it's a really rewarding feeling helping others and I get paid really well to do it!

BUT

I don't know how I'm going to cope with the change. I'm hoping that because I can wear what I want (hopefully piercing included) and it's not in an office environment etc. it won't seem too much like work. (I need to sort my hours out too, cause as of yet I have no idea what hours I will have to work). I'll have to wake up in the AM and go to sleep in the PM, I'll have responsibility and money (meaning i'll have to pay tax, board and be able to buy things again).

All of these things I want, or at least I think I do. I definitely want to start supporting myself more and want to pay my way, but I know that because I've spent basically the past 3 months doing absolutely sweet fuck all that it's going to be a mental transition.

Maybe I'm just talking crap and fingers crossed everything will run smoothly, but as much as I am willing it to hurry up, i'm shitting myself. Not only will I be responsible for myself but also up to 13 people with learning difficulties.... wow, mind fuck.

[Written whilst listening to Weezer - "It's time I got back to the Good Life, It's time i got back, it's time i got back, And I don't even know how I got off the track, I wanna go back…Yeah!"]

The littlest things

Okay, complete new to this and didn't really know what to write about, but I need to start somewhere:

It's come to my attention that I quite regularly have these little forbidden thoughts that pop into my head and this is an example of the few times it's happened... today.

OK, firstly I was at the petrol station and just put the pump back after filling my car up and I looked into the hole to the fuel tank and just thought: "If I wanted to I could drop a match in there..." I knew that I wasn't going to and that I didn't want to but I knew that if i wanted to then I could. (After buying matches)

So then I dropped my Brother off and was driving home down this 60mph road, it was raining and cold and there weren't any cars around, just me. I had a sudden desire to shut my eyes, I wasn't sleepy at all, I just had this urge, I knew that I shouldn't but I couldn't help myself. So I thought "Fuck it" (a reoccurring theme in my life at the moment) and just did it. A split second later I opened my eyes and nothing had happened, I hadn't crashed and died, there was no police pulling me over, no trail of dead children behind the car.

I think that sometimes it's these little things that make me realize that I am in control of my own life. If I want to drive into a wall then I can, if I want to go any spend my last £10 on some beers and a magazine then I can, If I want to save my money and go to the US on my own then I can. For the majority of things in life the only person stopping yourself from doing something (be it going on holiday or blowing up a petrol station) is you. You can argue that other things stand in the way and that life is more complicated than that, but when push comes to shove your holding the (hypothetical) match and what you do with it is your decision.

Now I'm off to the roof, I'm gonna practice flying, wish me luck.

[Written whilst listening to Marmaduke Duke]