It's come to my attention that I quite regularly have these little forbidden thoughts that pop into my head and this is an example of the few times it's happened... today.
OK, firstly I was at the petrol station and just put the pump back after filling my car up and I looked into the hole to the fuel tank and just thought: "If I wanted to I could drop a match in there..." I knew that I wasn't going to and that I didn't want to but I knew that if i wanted to then I could. (After buying matches)
So then I dropped my Brother off and was driving home down this 60mph road, it was raining and cold and there weren't any cars around, just me. I had a sudden desire to shut my eyes, I wasn't sleepy at all, I just had this urge, I knew that I shouldn't but I couldn't help myself. So I thought "Fuck it" (a reoccurring theme in my life at the moment) and just did it. A split second later I opened my eyes and nothing had happened, I hadn't crashed and died, there was no police pulling me over, no trail of dead children behind the car.
I think that sometimes it's these little things that make me realize that I am in control of my own life. If I want to drive into a wall then I can, if I want to go any spend my last £10 on some beers and a magazine then I can, If I want to save my money and go to the US on my own then I can. For the majority of things in life the only person stopping yourself from doing something (be it going on holiday or blowing up a petrol station) is you. You can argue that other things stand in the way and that life is more complicated than that, but when push comes to shove your holding the (hypothetical) match and what you do with it is your decision.
Now I'm off to the roof, I'm gonna practice flying, wish me luck.
[Written whilst listening to Marmaduke Duke]
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