A few things

Ok so I wrote this over a week ago but need to blog it cause i don't know what else/can't find the words to blog atm.

- How come its cool for me to sit on a bench or a random patch of grass when I'm with someone else but if you're on your own then everyone looks at you like a weirdy/child molester?

- A lot of the time I feel like I am missing out on something else that I could be doing. If I don't feel like this then I am normally either bored, or I know 100% that I wouldn't want to be doing anything else.

- I used to enjoy my own company more than I do now. I think I need some "interaction" (interpret as you see fit).

- Should I be worried that I have NO long term plans?

- If anyone asks me what I have been up to over the past few months then my options are as follows:

a) Discovering new music

b) Trying to enjoy myself

c) Avoiding extinction

d) All of the above

- I use the word "need" more than necessary.

-I sit in a moral grey patch between caring what people think about me and not giving one. - This suits me perfectly.

- (I wrote this whole list whilst walking the streets in the dark... like a gangster... or a queer)

- What route I walk depends on my state of mind when given my options, I rarely choose the quickest.

- Sometimes, I fucking love rain.

- My opinions differ in strength depending on circumstance.

- I should spend more of my life in telephone boxes.

- fin.

[Written whilst listening to Tegan and Sara... blatantly... ly]

Just a quick one

....that's what she said

- When I type a capital letter in the right place it makes me feel a little bit clever.

- My lip is fucking killing me but I refuse to take it out

- Bath is much cooler when you are visiting than when you live there.

- I hate not getting up till the afternoon for weeks and then the one day that I have a legimate reason for getting up in the morning I hate myself for it.

- I'm not even sure if I want to start work... part of me feels like I could do this forever.

- ..... and so the Oakley mentality kicks in.

[Written whilst listening to Brand New and drinking Petroni]

Sulking

This evening I lay in the dark sulking and feeling sorry for myself, I now feel no better because of it and just feel like a giant dick. I lost about 2 hours of sensible day time and because i didn't wake up till about half 1 I won't be able to get to sleep tonight at all.

I would like to run away to Vancouver please.

If you're going to be stupid about this...

Please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is I can't stand you
This is where the road crashed into the ocean
It rises all around me
And now we're barely breathing
A thousand faces we'll choose to ignore

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

I listen to you cry
A cry for less attention
But both my hands are tied
And I'm pushed into the deep end
I listen to you talk but talk is cheap
And my mouth is filled with blood
From trying not to speak
So search for an excuse
And someone to believe you
In foreign dressing rooms
I'm empty with the need to

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation is leaving me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

Please understand

Lay rotting where I fall
I'm dead from bad intentions
Suffocated and embalmed
And now all our dreams are cashed in
You swore you wouldn't lose then lost your brain
You make a sound that feels like pain

So please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is I can't stand you

Game on.

[Written whilst listening to +44]

Mark Twain

"In 20 years you will be more disappointed by what you didn't do than by what you did."

I think you should know

I like what you are thinking more than I like what I was thinking.

Now I'm thinking what you are thinking

And I like it

Two

"Try and be alone but not lonely"

I'm having one of those moments. I honestly think I might be bipolar, I was about to type that I've had nothing fun to do and nothing to look forward to but I have had fun. The music is going well, the gig was fun and we're both writing some good stuff. I'm having some fun times with my friends like when I went to see Kinn with Hannah and seeing Simmo again now he's back from Oxford.

I think the problem could be that because I'm having a few highs it makes everything else so much worse. I feel like I need to know what the next exciting thing is, I'm hopping from event to event and my time in between is just dull and soul destroying. It is almost like dead time, nothing is happening, nothing is going to but there's only so long I can keep running on no money and this drone of a lifestyle.

I know that when I EVENTUALLY start work that I'll look back on this time and think about how much I miss it, but the thing is i don't feel free at all at the moment. I feel lonely too but that's just cause I have all this time and absolutely nothing to do in, with no one. I either need someone or something to do, but not as a one off, as a constant or just something that leads somewhere in little steps. Like if I could start my work, even if I didn't start on 40 hours a week (which part of me wants, the other hates the first half of me for even contemplating 40 hours) at least it would be progression.

It's Mothers day tomorrow, maybe I will spend the day with my Mom but I don't want to drag her down. She's like a mind reader she always know what's going down. Maybe she's a witch and I'll get a letter from Hogwarts soon? Fingers crossed eh?

[Written whilst listening to Brand New and drinking Crabbies]

Some things you might not have known about me

- I like to watch people kissing goodbye when they don't know anyone can see them.

- I like Reading the funny birthday cards when, even if I'm looking for a completely different card like "get well soon" or "with sympathy".

- I can't help pulling ring-pulls off all the beer cans and collecting them all in the palm of my hand before i throw them away.

- I will go into town just to get a Mocha, it makes me feel grown up.

- I want nothing more that to meet and hang out with these people:

Schuylar Croom

Simon Neil

Penny Lane (fictional shhhh!)

The Rev

Tim Minchin

JCW :)

- I have my most fun when my body contains more alcohol than blood.

- I am organ donor for every organ except my eyes.

- I love owning discographies, I hate not owning a full album.

- I am constantly worried of seeming too young and still would like to get quite a bit older.

- I'm fucking awful at sudoku (but love doing them).

- It doesn't HAVE to be, but i really would prefer if the volume was on an even number.

- I want to be a skinny boy and have lots of tattoos.

- I like little wooden animals and want to carve them myself.

- I can spend hours and hours writing down my favorite lyrics.

- I go through intense music phases.

- I'd rather be dead that without my friends.

- I have a foul, dirty mouth, love extending my vulgar vocabulary and have considered listing swearing as my forté.

- I like to read peoples last words, but know that I feel low afterwards and no matter how hard i try can't think of anything to say for mine (yet).

- Reading out loud scares the shit out of me.

- I have vegetarian days when I feel like it, but love the taste of meat.

- I wish that smoking didn't kill you.

First song, need a name.

A distant time

When we were young we learnt to sink the sky

A poor man's crime

A heartless soul succumbs to his demise

Your final breath

A child ago since we last slept

The oceans die

A spark is born from the fire in your eyes

Now take my hand

We still have time if we run fast

But don't look back

There's nothing left, it's dead and black

The world burned dry beneath a starless sky

We couldn't fight, couldn't fight we had to hide

We scraped and tore into the soil

The weak fell down as their blood boiled

You cried and cried into the shade

The seas and streams splashed from your eyes

The sun scorched down and as you took your final breath

I felt you smile

Grass is always greener

I hate the feeling that the only thing I am getting done is giving my Brother a lift everywhere. I am so close to having something to do and finally earning money, but there's still an unknown amount of time left. It can't be long now surely, I'm not sure if I would've preferred to know how long I will be waiting. Maybe I could've gone somewhere or done something exciting, although doubtful.

I want nothing more than to go on an adventure, but a BIG adventure. I'm going to Borth (Wales) tomorrow and I am looking forward to it, but it's a teenie adventure. I want to be thrown into a new place with new people and thrash about a bit. I'm starting to think that I can do anything, not in a Superman sort of way but in a you-only-live-once sort of way. I want to do something drastic, something different to sitting around all day. In fact I'd quite like a complete change of scenery for a while but realistically that's going to have to wait for a few years.

I hope I end up going to the US, it seems like something that would never happen to me but I know that there's not really anything stopping me. It's scary as hell. Of course there's the money but fingers crossed that should start coming in soon. I've always wanted to go, but never even thought of going on my own. If anything that makes it so much more exciting, the only problem being I'll have to find things to do haha. Then again doing nothing 5,000 miles away has to be better than doing nothing here surely?

Rambling.

[Written whilst chewing on a bottle cap]