"Try and be alone but not lonely"

I'm having one of those moments. I honestly think I might be bipolar, I was about to type that I've had nothing fun to do and nothing to look forward to but I have had fun. The music is going well, the gig was fun and we're both writing some good stuff. I'm having some fun times with my friends like when I went to see Kinn with Hannah and seeing Simmo again now he's back from Oxford.

I think the problem could be that because I'm having a few highs it makes everything else so much worse. I feel like I need to know what the next exciting thing is, I'm hopping from event to event and my time in between is just dull and soul destroying. It is almost like dead time, nothing is happening, nothing is going to but there's only so long I can keep running on no money and this drone of a lifestyle.

I know that when I EVENTUALLY start work that I'll look back on this time and think about how much I miss it, but the thing is i don't feel free at all at the moment. I feel lonely too but that's just cause I have all this time and absolutely nothing to do in, with no one. I either need someone or something to do, but not as a one off, as a constant or just something that leads somewhere in little steps. Like if I could start my work, even if I didn't start on 40 hours a week (which part of me wants, the other hates the first half of me for even contemplating 40 hours) at least it would be progression.

It's Mothers day tomorrow, maybe I will spend the day with my Mom but I don't want to drag her down. She's like a mind reader she always know what's going down. Maybe she's a witch and I'll get a letter from Hogwarts soon? Fingers crossed eh?

[Written whilst listening to Brand New and drinking Crabbies]